


to all the ones i've loved before

by jswoon2



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: 2018 NHL Off-Season, Alternate Universe - To All the Boys I've Loved Before, Bisexual Sidney Crosby, M/M, Misunderstandings, Movie Fusion, Offseason Shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 08:39:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15770538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jswoon2/pseuds/jswoon2
Summary: Sidney is twenty when he writes his fifth and final love letter.Sidney is thirty-one when someone sends them.





	to all the ones i've loved before

**Author's Note:**

> Based off of "To All the Ones I've Loved Before" by Jenny Han. They're not in high school which is why this fic only really follows the premise of the book. I tried to follow the general happenings of the offseason so far.
> 
> Not beta'd, only proofread.
> 
> Comments and kudos are lovely!

Sidney is twenty when he writes his fifth and final love letter.

Sidney is thirty-one when someone sends them.

***

He finds out that his letters have been sent out when one of them bounces back in the mail with _return to sender_ stamped on it. The letter written in his old handwriting dating back to middle school and is addressed to a girl named Laura. His first real crush Laura. Laura, who, dated Sidney’s best friend instead of him and always had pretty, long shiny hair until she cut it all off to donate to Locks of Love.

They fell out of touch because he had to focus more on his hockey and less on girls and their pretty smiles. It was worth it in the end, but even at a young age he had a bit of a romantic streak about him. So for his own closure, he wrote in a letter that he never intended to be ever unearthed from his old Converse shoe box all the things that he loved about her right before they finished eighth grade.

But somehow it did become unearthed.

Sidney hasn’t felt this anxious since his Ted Lindsay acceptance speech. He rushes to his bedroom, digging through his closet for the Converse box and, of course, it’s empty.

It’s empty, which means the other four letters are out there somewhere. Somewhere four other people are getting letters where Sid waxes poetry about them.

Maybe, just _maybe_ , they won’t remember who he is.

After brooding on the floor of his walk in closet for an hour, his sister finds him. She doesn’t ask about the crumpled letter in his hand or why he’s sitting in the closet. She just tells him that she brought Chinese and she’ll eat it all herself if he doesn’t come downstairs.

Chinese food is a no-no on his diet—it should be on hers too—but he thinks for the heart attack he just suffered, he deserves a cheat night.

***

There’s a reason why, when after the big news breaks, the Pittsburgh Penguins are first in line to sign Jack Johnson, Sidney starts to avoid him.

The media totes it around like it’s a wondrous thing. It would be a happy reunion from their Shattuck-St. Mary’s days but all Sid can think about is the letter that Sid wrote to Jack back when they were playing together.

Sid is pretty sure that Jack won’t get the letter for the same reason Laura didn’t. They’re all adults now and they’ve probably moved on from their original addresses. Only Sid becomes less sure of that because Jack gives Sidney looks all night across the table with Mario and Sully present. Not to mention Geno.

The way Mario and Sully are talking, it’s like Jack already signed but it’s just the beginning of summer. Anything could happen. Tavares could be a Shark tomorrow.

Sidney could just start digging a hole and get ready to bury himself in it, or maybe start praying that the ground will swallow him up, because once upon a time Sid found himself in love with Geno if not more than he thought he was in love with Jack and now he’s having dinner with the both of them with his coach and pseudo-father at the table with them. Maybe one day they’ll be able to laugh off Sid’s pining but Jack looks like he has a few words for Sidney and Geno has barely given Sid a glance all night.

Perhaps the only saving grace Sid has is that Geno used to live with Gonch and since Sid definitely didn’t know where Geno’s address in Russia is, it definitely went to Gonch’s house. Gonch is a reasonable guy though so with enough bribing will probably give Sid the letter back without ever mentioning it again. Ever.

Gonch might even have sent it back to Sidney’s house already.

It would be near impossible to avoid one-on-one conversations with Jack if the five-year contract becomes a sure thing so after the meal is over and everyone is saying their goodbyes the parking lot, Sid lets Jack trap him against his car for what has to be the most awkward confrontation since the one time a woman tried to get Sid to sign her boobs. _Lets_ being a loose term. More like, is given no other option and Jack is definitely saying something that Sid isn’t listening to at all because all Sid can see is the letter he wrote Jack being held up between them.

“Give that back,” Sid says, trying to snatch the letter away protectively.

Jack is quicker though and holds it above his head. It’s like they’re back in school again. “Tell me what it is,” he counters, holding it front of Sid’s face again. He holds it tight though so Sidney can’t steal it from him.

“You know what it is,” Sidney snaps, which he’d feel bad for but Jack doesn’t seem phased. He seems a bit amused, actually.

“You know,” Jack says, and Sid prepares for the worst, “if you had just told me you had feelings for me, maybe we could’ve worked something out. You know I wouldn’t have let anyone mess with you, right?”

“What,” Sid says dumbly.

“Like, I get it.” Jack puts one of his hands on Sid’s car door, stepping closer. “You weren’t ready back then to be out, but if you wanted to be now.” Jack shrugs. His shoulders are really broad. “I’m willing, I mean, if you wanna give us a shot.”

Sid doesn’t say what again because he can’t find the words to say much at all. He feels dumbfounded and he’s sure that his cheeks are as red as a tomato right now. Back then he probably would’ve jumped right into Jack’s muscular defenseman arms—although, even though it would be really romantic, it would probably look a little silly—but he’s not that same kid anymore. Sid gets a weird stirring in his gut, or maybe it’s his heart. His world is being turned upside down just because of one little sentence.

Jack inclines his head, waiting for Sid to say anything but Sid’s mouth just opens and closes like a fish.

He starts to formulate some type of response in his head but over Jack’s shoulder Sid sees Geno appear. Jack may be tall but Geno is _taller_ and it’s almost like he’s still growing even though those days should be long over.

Sidney makes his first mistake, peering around Jack, his heartbeat doubling like it’s overtime during the Cup Final when he sees Sidney’s fifth letter dwarfed in Geno’s hand. His second mistake is when he looks at Jack and he lets the panic take over.

“Sid, you okay?” Jack asks, his eyebrows doing that cute thing they do when he’s confused.

Sid feels his body get warmer. He liked Jack for a really long time. They were good friends and even better teammates. When Sid first left Shattuck he thought of Jack as the one that got away. Even now, he can imagine himself sitting in his room writing his letter to Jack and he can picture the things he wrote down.

Geno is getting closer and closer.

“Sid?” Jack asks again. He might try to say something else but it’s a muffled sound since Sidney grabs him by the lapels of his stupid sports coat for the kiss of a lifetime.

Whatever Jack meant to say becomes a gentle hum against Sid’s lips. Jack presses closer to Sidney, his arms around Sid’s waist, leaning down more so Sid doesn’t have to crane his neck up as painfully. The kiss starts off dry but Jack apparently likes to use tongue—a _lot_ of tongue. It’s oddly nice and when Jack can’t lean down anymore, Geno is gone.

***

Sidney doesn’t want to explain to Jack that their kiss was a one time thing. So, he doesn’t. He flies back to Halifax and accidentally starts sabotaging Nate’s summer meal plan.

When he’s avoiding something, he bakes. It shouldn’t be his fault that Nate practically lives in his house and steals his food when he has a perfectly good house down the road.

“By the way,” Nate says, stuffing a lemon square into his mouth in one bite, “a letter you sent out came back."

Sid had been busy measuring out the sugar for his next batch cookies but now, the cookies aren’t all that important. He tries to keep his expression calm and his back turned when he asks, “Oh, really?” Real casual. “Where’d you put it?”

“With the rest of your mail?” Nate answers, not noticing a thing. “Can I lick the spoon when you’re done?”

“Sure,” Sid says already out of the room. He had thrown last week’s mail on the coffee table without a second thought. Most of the mail he gets is nothing important. He pays his bills online and if people send him letters, they’re likely from fans and the Penguins handle that.

Stuck between the junk mail is another one of his love letters.

It’s addressed to a girl named Emily who he met while playing for Rimouski. He was sixteen and trying to get over Jack. She was a bit of a puck bunny so he was reluctant to go out with her when she asked, but he thought about all the romance movies where the lead only gets over the person they’re pining for when they accept it’s not to be and move on by dating another person.

Sid did really feel like he was in love with her. She was sweet and although she definitely had a type that was well known around the locker room, she also knew a great deal about hockey. She wasn’t _only_ in it to date hockey players despite what the guys warned him about.

Emily was his first, right before Sid gave her the bad news that he intended on going into the draft single.

After writing her letter, and being drafted first overall Sid realized he wasn’t as in love with her as he thought. He _was_ in love with the idea of being in love with her. He knew that when he saw Jack again.

That didn’t last long though.

***

Sid first meets Geno when he’s caught red handed rooting through the pantry for dessert. He knows that Nathalie keeps a secret stock of Girl Scout cookies where the kids can’t reach them. It’s only a matter of time before the whole pantry is rearranged and Sid finds them but he’s interrupted by Mario clearing his throat.

Mario looks amused, choosing not to lecture Sid on the dangers of not taking his meal plan seriously. Instead, he announces Gonch is over with another guest.

Geno is the guest—although he wasn’t Geno then. Gonch tells Sid Geno’s name is Evgeni.

In hindsight, it was probably around the time when Geno became Geno that Sid started to fall in love with him. The draft be damned, Sid thinks— _knows_ —Geno could kick Ovechkin’s ass any day or maybe that’s the part of Sid that’s in love with Geno that’s talking. Sid loves the way Geno plays hockey, how he shrugs off the media by pretending not to know English (which Sid should be mad at because if Geno doesn’t talk to them, then he has to), and how he pretends to be a big bully when he’s actually a huge softy with a weakness for kids.

Sid thinks for a long time that his love for Geno is just that. He loves Geno in the way he loves Flower or Duper or Mario. He sees Geno all the time, confines in him because even if the cultural separation prevents Geno from understanding, he _listens_ without judgement. To Geno, Sid isn’t Sid the Kid, the face of anything. He’s Sidney, fashion terrorist, stress baker, cheater at Mario Kart.

The day Geno introduces Sidney to Oksana looking so nervous, looking to Sidney for approval, Sid has another realization.

He definitely loves _loves_ Geno.

Sleep avoids him that night and all it takes is the reminder that Duper is in the room with him to prevent him from getting up and writing Geno’s letter right then and there. Instead, he stays up all night wondering if Geno snuck out of the hotel to see Oksana.

Sid is thankful that she came while the Pens were in the middle of a road trip. The media is always less interested in the away team and Sid isn’t sure how convincingly he could tell the media how happy and nice it was to see all the players’ girlfriends.

The next morning Army tells Sid he looks like shit. He lets Sid sleep on his shoulder though so they’re good.

***

“I should’ve known it was wishful thinking,” Jack says over the phone. Sid isn’t brave enough to talk to Jack in person but he knows he owes the man some type of explanation. “So you and Malkin, huh?”

“We’re just friends,” Sidney replies easily. He’s said it so many times he’s beginning to believe that’s all they’ll ever be.

“If Malkin breaks your heart, I’m not gonna be able to beat him up for you. That guy is huge,” Jack jokes.

Sidney laughs, airy and still a bit nervous. “I’m sorry I dragged you into this mess.”

“It’s fine,” Jack insists and Sidney wishes he could see Jack’s face to decide if Jack is lying or not. “But, hey, were you telling the truth when you said you liked my butt?”

“I never said that!” Sidney says a bit too loudly, gaining the attention of his sister in the other room. She brought over a bunch of romcoms since she’s missing her boyfriend that Sid has yet to meet.

“In the letter—”

“I didn’t write that in the letter!”

“How would you know? It’s been so long,” Jack teases.

Sid laughs again, hearing his sister call for him in the other room. He’s going to miss the scene where Heath Ledger sings Can’t Take My Eyes off You to Julia Stiles on the football field and Taylor isn’t pausing it for him.

“Just—thank you,” Sidney says earnestly.

Sid just manages to catch Ledger running away from the campus police feeling a little bit lighter than before.

***

Normally the offseason bores Sidney but this time it’s an excuse to let the letter situation blow over. There’s no big reason for Sid to see Geno before the preseason starts except—except Dumo is getting married and it would be an insult not to go.

He secretly crosses his fingers that Geno won’t be able to make the trip over.

Geno does make it though, and he shows up sans a plus one. Sid thought Geno was dating someone, some girl from Russia that he hasn’t introduced to the team yet, but it must not be serious if Geno didn’t bring her. He knows it wouldn’t be too early in the relationship because he’s seen Geno excuse himself early from team breakfasts and sit out from post-game celebrations to talk on his phone.

Whoever she is, is special, and yet not special enough to bring to a wedding apparently.

Sid manages to skirt around having to make too much small talk with Geno and instead becomes a third wheel to Chris and his wife. They lament over the way their seasons ended in a bittersweet way. They’ve played a long run of hockey. It was only a matter of time before they burnt out, which is what Sid uses to make himself feel better for not being able to three-peat.

Conor and Schultzy join them which makes Sid feel sad. His rookies are growing up and separating which he knew was bound to happen.

There’s a group picture and Sid stands in the back although Schultzy jokes that the shortest should be in the front. Chris takes that as the opportunity to stand on a chair so he’s taller than everyone and all the girls in front end up doing what Taylor calls the sorority squat.

Geno isn’t anywhere near the impromptu Instagram photo op because he’s off entertaining the children, making dinosaur noises and letting the Kunitz kids climb all over him. The wedding is mostly a no kids event but Dumo and Kayla made an exception for the little Penguins.

Alex Letang and Scarlett Fleury attempt to rope Sid into a special mission in acquiring an extra slice of wedding cake without their parents’ permission which Sid almost lends the assist on until Estelle tattles. Then it’s the four of them standing there. Flower, Tanger, Geno, and Sid. The kids run off to play with the leftover bubbles the wedding party distributed before the reception now that their plan has been foiled.

“No wonder you’re the favorite,” Flower teases, punching Sid on the shoulder.

Sid’s feeling sentimental so he bites his tongue so he doesn’t blurt out, “I miss you,” to Flower. He chooses to turn the tables on the kids by pointing between Kris and Flower saying, “I think your kids are initiating their Plan B.”

Tanger curses in French, seeing Alex sitting on Kayla’s lap making grabby hands at the slice of cake she’s starting to put in front of them. Scarlett is trying to charm Dumo into doing the same. “You know, kids are so much easier when they don’t know how to talk yet.”

“Time to be bad cop,” Flower sighs.

Then, Tanger and Flower are walking away and it’s just Sid and Geno.

It always feels like it’s the two of them, only, never quite in the way Sid wants.

“I’m surprised Tanger brought Alex. I thought he’d leave him home with Cath or they’d give Cath the weekend to herself,” Sid says to fill the silence.

Geno looks the least comfortable he’s been all night being alone with Sid. “No Jack?”

“Why would Jack come?” Sid asks, caught off guard. There would be no reason for Jack to come. He barely knows Dumo.

“Something happen? Fight, maybe?” Geno counters, sounding hurt. “I can talk to him.”

“No, no fight or anything. What’re you talking about?” Sid tries to match the hushed tone Geno is beginning to use, like what they’re talking about is a secret.

“You and Jack. Together.” Geno makes his eyes big to really drive his point home, at which Sid nearly chokes on his drink he’s been clutching so hard in his hand. Water, because he came by himself and he doesn’t like to drink if he has to drive later.

Sid feels flushed, looking around them for any nosy teammates wondering why he and Geno are suddenly acting so hush hush. They’re all occupied, enjoying the reception. “There is no me and Jack. We just kissed is all.”

Geno gets a pinched look, the type he only makes when he’s really displeased and he wants to fight someone. The kind that he has on when he’s pushing all the ref’s buttons and Sully has to push him aside.

Sid doesn’t think the look is directed at him. He and Geno don’t ever really fight. Not anything too serious aside from differing opinions sometimes. He also knows Geno well enough that he would never make a scene at Dumo’s wedding.

The look is for Jack who isn’t really part of their conversation at all.

***

 _Russia with Geno_ haunts Sidney.

He’s done stuff over the offseason aside from conditioning. He has fun but his parents and Taylor think he needs to travel more. See the world.

“I’ll have plenty of time when I retire,” Sid tells them and Taylor gasps, mocking him.

“I didn’t think you knew what that meant,” she says, pulling his pigtails. “Sometimes I really do think my brother has been replaced by a hockey robot.”

Sid glares. His mother pats him on the cheek, smiling. “Maybe you should do that thing. From that interview,” his mom says, snapping her fingers as she tries to think of the word.

His sixth sense for danger tingles as Taylor gets this glint in her eye. “Russia with _Geno_ ,” she says, drawing out Geno’s name like they’re kids and she’s teasing him about his crush in front of their parents to be subtle but is anything but.

“That’s it!” his mom says happily. “You should do that. You haven’t seen him in ages.”

“I saw him at Brian’s wedding,” Sid reminds her.

“I’m surprised he made it out in time,” his mom says wistfully.

Sidney couldn’t agree more.

***

“So what’s up with you and Geno? Did something happen between you two?” Taylor asks, blocking him from leaving the bathroom. He’s bigger than her and he definitely could muscle his way past but then it would seem like he’s hiding something.

He’s not hiding anything.

“Nothing happened,” Sid says truthfully. Nothing has happened. He and Geno are still just friends, although Geno is oddly protective about Sid’s virtue now. Geno gave Jack a talking to over the phone but if Jack couldn’t totally understand what Geno wanted from him, Sidney certainly can’t.

Taylor frowns, her shoulders deflating. “It’s my fault.”

“What’re you talking about?” Sid questions.

“You and Geno. The reason why you’re being so awkward about him. Sid, I’m sorry, I thought you guys needed a little push, is all. I didn’t mean to make things awkward between you,” Taylor apologizes, stepping into the bathroom so she can hug him.

“I’m lost,” Sid admits, though he hugs her back regardless.

Muffled against his shoulder, Taylor says quietly, “I sent the letters.”

It’s reflexive, the little jerk that has him squeeze her tighter. She tries to get out of his grip, to run away, Sid assumes so he holds onto her. “Those letters were private!” he says harshly.

“I know,” she apologizes again, trying to squirm away then gives up when Sid frees one of his hands to close the bathroom door. Only then does he let her go. “I wanted to help.”

“I can’t believe you sent them,” Sid says, feeling hurt. “When did you even do that?”

Taylor crosses her arms over her chest, avoiding eye contact. “When you were moving houses.”

“Those letters weren’t meant to be sent,” Sid says.

“Then why did you address them?” Taylor challenges.

“I don’t know.” Sid throws his hands in the air, tired. “I wrote the first letter when I was thirteen. I guess part of me then meant to send it, but then I got cold feet because I didn’t want any of the guys to know I wrote some girl a love letter. And then I wrote another one and I meant to send that one too because it was my goodbye letter. It kind of just became a thing. I’d write the letter, address it, and never send it. Sometimes when I felt stressed I’d read them over again.”

Taylor lets out a sigh. “Are you and Geno not friends anymore?”

“I don’t know,” Sid says again. It’s the most sure he’s ever been of their relationship before. “Why’d you send all of them?” he asks as Taylor initiates an apology hug.

“Extra motivation,” Taylor says but even she sounds unsure of herself.

***

Sid doesn’t go to Russia. Geno comes to Canada.

Any other year Sid would be thrilled and honored to show Geno all the little things that makes Halifax home but instead he’s filled with dread where this is it. This is the moment where Geno tells Sid that he can’t be a Penguin anymore because Sid’s gone and made things awkward between them. Maybe Geno will go to Vegas though and reunite with Flower and they’ll win the Cup together next season.

It’ll be great for Geno and Jack won’t have to fight him.

“Sid,” Geno says firmly, bringing Sidney back into reality. “What’s this?” he asks, throwing the love letter onto the coffee table. Sid doesn’t recognize it at first until he picks it up. The envelope is white and blank on the outside. He has to take the letter out to see that it’s the one he wrote.

“I wrote it to you a year after we met,” Sidney admits. “Maybe a little bit longer than that. It’s been so long ago. I just,” he sighs, “wanted to get you out of my system I guess. I felt so in love with you and I had no one to talk to about it so I wrote you a love letter. You were never meant to get it. Taylor sent them.”

“ _Them_?” Geno straightens up.

“I wrote five letters total. All of them got sent but most of them bounced back in the mail.” Sidney puts the letter back into its crisp envelope. He wonders briefly what happened to the one it was mailed in but he doesn’t want to know. He just wants to forget that this happened so he and Geno can stop being awkward.

“Jack one of them?” Geno asks.

“Yeah.”

“You still love him?”

Sidney laughs despite the tense situation. “No, I haven’t for a long time.”

“And me?” Geno looks at Sid, which is more than Sid can offer since he’s very pointedly avoiding looking at Geno.

“I’m … getting over you. It’s not going to change the way we play, promise,” Sid says, forcing a smile. He glances at Geno for a second, looking away again.

“Don’t,” Geno says. He’s getting off the couch so Sid tries to make himself seem smaller on the couch. It doesn’t work, not with the way Geno stops right in front of Sidney. “Sid.”

Sid swallows, breathing in and out of his nose slowly. He doesn’t look at Geno until Geno makes him. Geno sitting on the coffee table, using one hand to tilt Sidney’s gaze upward. The other hand is digging through his back pants pocket.

“Don’t give up,” Geno says. Taking Sidney’s hand, he places a letter into his open palm. It’s a letter. “Read it.”

Tears beading in his eyes, Sid breathes out a laugh of relief. He can’t believe it—isn’t sure if this is real, but if it’s a dream, it’s a good one. Geno nods encouragingly at the letter, smoothing his hand along Sid’s knee patiently. A more nervous, jittery, sixteen year old Sid would probably be more thankful for Geno’s willingness to wait but it’s been a long decade of holding onto his feelings privately, he doesn’t want to wait much longer.

He jumps forward, nearly knocking Geno off the table, but secures the landing on the man’s lap as he takes Geno’s face between his palms and kisses him sound and sure. Geno is smiling against his lips, holding Sid securely. Later, he’ll have plenty of time to read the letter.

It’s always been them. Sid and Geno. Geno and Sid. _Together_.


End file.
